Never Would Predict
by Organometallic Tetrahedron
Summary: A series of nonsensical drabbles about the anime and games. From anime physics to Pokémon professors, the random narrator questions, debates, and theorizes about various strange phenomena in the Pokémon universe, often arriving at unexpected conclusions. Arguments lack logic at times and thus are not meant to be taken seriously. Chapters can be read out of order.
1. On Anime Physics

On Anime Physics

We have always been taught that the fundamental laws of physics cannot be broken, for or else the entire universe would fall into chaos. Even in the world of Pokemon, where I, the narrator, reside, this is no exception. After all, our professors, inventors, and criminal organizations rely heavily on scientific principles.

There are many truths that seem to defy the formulations of Newton, Einstein, and others in this world, especially since many Pokemon attacks are capable of creating mass, an ability which has been adopted by some trainers who carry the contents of their entire kitchen in small backpacks. The Pokeball itself has been the subject of controversy, which explains why much of the outside world remains doubtful to this day regarding the very existence of Pokemon. Here, I assure you that science does work in the world of Pokemon, just not in a way that one would normally expect.

Perhaps the largest source of criticism of Pokemon has to do with conservation of mass. When Pokemon use attacks, they seem to create mass out of empty space, which appears to be a violation of thermodynamics. However, we must understand that Pokemon are very skilled in the manipulation of energy, or else none of their special attacks would work and most of their physical attacks would be reduced to mere cat fights. As we know from nuclear reactions, it is possibly to interconvert between mass and energy, which is what enables Pokemon to create mass.

But, it takes almost a quadrillion joules of energy to make one gram of rocks for a stone edge attack. If Pokemon are constantly creating mass, why is it that the Pokemon world does not suffer from major glacial outbreaks on a daily basis? The answer is simply that Pokemon release nearly the same amount of energy from the destruction of that mass immediately after it is used, which also explains why attacks vanish after hitting their targets. This may bother some people, however, since it seems to imply that if all Pokemon in the world attack at once, the temperature would drop so low that humans would be at risk of extinction. Surely, that is not possible, right?

Rest assured that even if there is an imbalance between attacks and the destruction of attacks, there would not be any local energy shortages, at least not on the earth plane. The justification for this brings us to the next point of contention - how do Pokeballs work? They work by storing Pokemon in the form of energy in other dimensions of time and space controlled by Dialga, Palkia, and Giratina. This is where all of the energy distortions caused by Pokemon attacks go as well, which is why the Earth plane is essentially unaffected by all of these events. This is also the mechanism by which the move teleport functions.

I am, in fact, a firm believer that this basic energy argument always works. That is, until I meet a very peculiar trio of people belonging to Team Rocket.

"Pikachu, use thunderbolt!" A bright flash of electricity strikes a meowth-shaped hot air balloon. An explosion can be seen and heard, lifting up dust and debris from the ground. "Team Rocket is blasting off again!"

"Pikachu, thunderbolt! Piplup, bubblebeam!" The combined attack strikes its target and sets off a huge explosion. "Team Rocket is blasting off again!"

"Pikachu, thunderbolt! Fennekin, flamethrower! Chespin, pin missile!"-

Wait. Something is not right. How do three people, no matter how resilient, survive so many explosions? How come the explosion only ever affects Team Rocket and never their surroundings, and how do they land at terminal velocity without even leaving a dent in the ground? These are the types of questions that have almost convinced me to lose complete faith in physics for a time. Team Rocket defies all scientific principles.

After following the trio for several years, I have finally come up with a plausible explanation. These experiences of Team Rocket can only be resolved by considering the possibility that these "villains" are sending all of the energy associated with these explosions to those alternate dimensions of space that other trainers exploit on a constant basis. Perhaps, instead of destroying science, they exist to protect the universe from unsustainable actions of other Pokemon and trainers.

Since observing the many miracles endured by this group of villains, I have become convinced that they are the most altruistic people to exist in the world of Pokemon. The increase in entropy of the universe required to counterbalance the assembly of ordered arrangements of mass such as Pokemon attacks can easily destroy the Pokemon world within the next century, especially with humans also attempting the same things with their magic satchels. Thus, it is only by constantly blasting off Team Rocket that we maintain the delicate balance of the universe, while adhering to the laws of thermodynamics.

So, the next time we conjure the contents of our entire kitchen from our backpacks, we should thank these three special members of Team Rocket, whose stubborn persistence over the years has become one of the largest sources of entropy for the benefit of human civilization. There is something truly magical about people who make it their daily routine to fly across the sky, with freefall as their main mode of transportation.

Never would I have predicted that Team Rocket could truly protect the world from devastation.


	2. On Elemental Types

On Elemental Types

The discovery of the fairy type in Kalos nearly two years ago shattered all theories of the seventeen elemental types. Suddenly, scientists from across all of the regions began to re-examine their Pokemon, leading to type changes in many previously normal type species. Although I am content that the scientific community demonstrated amazingly liberal tolerance towards reform by immediately accepting these drastic changes, the question of how researchers made such a substantial mistake in identifying Pokemon types in the first place baffles me to no end. If the fairy type is, as is now common knowledge, completely immune to dragon type Pokemon, why has no one noticed until now?

This conundrum has substantially weakened the prestige of famous professors, as it has been exploited by many skeptics of Pokemon research as a springboard for extensive criticism of the existing institution. However, the majority of these individuals, many of which are grunts from disbanded villainous organizations, have failed to recognize that the issue at hand is not the ineptitude of researchers in performing experiments, but rather the insufficiency of assumptions on the fundamental nature of Pokemon.

The reason why Pokemon are excellent research subjects is because of the apparent discontinuity of their traits. Each Pokemon that has achieved maximum maturity is highly consistent in the strength of its attacks (with the exception of critical hits), its defensive capabilities, and even its nature. Furthermore, Pokemon can be described using basic mathematical models. Thus, when the most famous Professor Oak proposed that Pokemon have a certain number of fixed types, the proposition was quickly accepted to be the truth.

A most elegant experimental model that convinced the scientific community was that of the evolution of Eevee. Eevee can only evolve into a number of fixed forms, since one never observed a "flareafeon" or "joltaporeon". However, what very few researchers knew was that a certain pink espeon-like form of Eevee with ribbon like appendages was discovered at a lab in the Johto region around the time that the confusing relationship between dark, psychic, and ghost types was being sorted out. This strange eeveelution emerged just when it reached maximum happiness at the break of dawn, which frightened researchers as they thought that they had found an intermediate eeveelution, an "espumbreon". Afraid that the anomalous Pokemon threatened to destroy all of the accepted research on eeveelutions, the discoverer of the "espumbreon" smuggled it away on an airplane to Kalos.

Of course, this eeveelution remained hidden for many years while the professors perfected their research, often ignoring critical counterexamples to their theories, such as the fact that Clefairy obviously is not weak to fighting types. That is, until a very hyperactive blonde Unovan researcher by the name of Bianca found the "espumbreon".

When I say hyperactive, I mean it. She has an energy that even Barry cannot match, which can be attested by the infamous Ash Ketchum. So, when Bianca found the eeveelution she immediately began testing her deductions. Believing it was a flying type due to its resistance to fighting type moves, she named it Sylveon. Of course, since it was common knowledge by then that Eevee evolves under the influence of its surroundings, she decided to test her theory by throwing Eevees out of airplanes in squirrel suits. This was how sky battles became popular in Kalos.

The experiment did not work well, as most Eevees did not evolve. Always persistent, Bianca repeated her experiment with so many different Eevees that she eventually found one that actually enjoyed sky diving. As such, the Eevee eventually turned into a Sylveon.

Bianca herself was never credited for discovering the mechanism of Sylveon's evolution, for of course she did not have enough justification for it. However, she did provide the much-needed evidence to prove that intermediate types do not exist, and gave researchers the courage to accept fairy as the 18th elemental type.

However, the question remains whether there really are only 18 types. Perhaps there are only such categories as different species of Pokemon that respond similarly to similar categories of attacks. Nature is continuous after all, so there is no way that our discrete models will ever suffice to explain it. So perhaps we should instead be more lenient towards our researchers, so that they become more open to mistakes and challenges to outdated models. After all, eevee-abuse is never the answer.

Never would I have predicted that freefall could change science. Perhaps Newton really was hit by an apple.


	3. On Spontaneous Evolution

On Spontaneous Evolution

When I first met Ash Ketchum, he was almost ten years older than me. Very soon, however, he will be ten years younger than me. This peculiar question has troubled many people for years: how is it that humans from the world of Pokemon do not age?

Before we can resolve this problem, we must come to terms with a few related concepts.

The first concept to address is the definition of age. There are various types of age, including chronological, biological, and psychological age. The most commonly reported age is chronological, which is solely dependent on the passage of time. However, since many Pokemon including Celebi and Dialga are capable of time travel, perhaps chronological age is not as easily quantified in the Pokemon world. Thus, when Ash Ketchum promptly declared that his age was ten when he arrived in Unova, he might have simply been referring to his psychological age. After all, he is very immature.

From this notion stems the simplest explanation for why Pokemon characters do not age. Perhaps Pokemon characters define age differently from other people. However, this explanation does not address the root of the problem, as it is very clear that the biological age of Pokemon characters does not change either. Ash does not appear to grow or change much physically, even after nearly ten years of time.

Next we address the definition of "human" or _Homo sapiens_ or those bipedal creatures that exploit the Earth in ways that no other living organism has (possibly) ever done. Just as we recognize each other as members of the same species, we identify with Pokemon characters in the same way. However, the question of whether they are _Homo sapiens_ is up to debate. After all, they are much more resistant to fire, electricity, and physical strain than we are, often seen to withstand attacks from their Pokemon while suffering only minimal damage.

Here, we come to the second possible explanation for why Pokemon characters do not age - perhaps Darwinian evolution has favored those with mutations that impart resistance to aging just as they allow for protection against various Pokemon attacks. However, as we see senior citizens in the world of Pokemon who rarely claim to be over a couple hundred years old, this hypothesis does not hold much ground by itself.

Since these straightforward, definition-based explanations clearly do not yield satisfactory results, we are forced to think outside the box. Since we have established that the "humans" who live with Pokemon - henceforth known as Poke-humans - have evolved adaptations to withstanding their magic, it would be beneficial for us to examine Pokemon aging for a mechanism that can be applied to Poke-human aging.

Pokemon "evolve" when they reach a certain level of experience, happiness, or are exposed to external mutagens such as evolution stones. This has been common knowledge for a number of years. However, it has come to our attention that Pokemon do not noticeably change in appearance between their evolutions, with the exception of the occasional weight loss such as that demonstrated by Ash's Pikachu. The point is that Pokemon do not age chronologically, but rather exhibit "jumps" in growth when they build enough experience to evolve.

As we have established before in our treatment of Anime Physics, Pokemon are extremely skilled in manipulating energy. Thus, it makes sense that their evolution can be explained by energy, specifically quantization. Energy quantization means that Pokemon continuously build energy throughout their growth, until they reach a certain threshold at which they suddenly take on a different physical form. This is very similar to how electrons are excited by light photons.

This hypothesis is supported by strong evidence, most notably the newly discovered phenomenon of mega-evolution. Mega stones are known to release energy at a specific intensity, to which only the species of Pokemon in question responds. This type of evolution makes sense when explained by quantization.

With this in mind, we come to an explanation for Poke-human aging. Poke-humans build energy throughout their lifetimes. They only change their forms to take on an older appearance when they reach a certain quantum of energy, in which they rapidly evolve, much as Pokemon do. It is also possible that they measure their age by biological or psychological criteria, meaning that it is perfectly normal for Poke-humans to remain the same age for any length of time, such as in the case of Ash Ketchum. Maybe he will suddenly turn middle-aged within the next few years!

From this discussion comes a very disturbing revelation. If Poke-humans are more similar to Pokemon than _Homo sapiens_, does that mean they are capable of mega-evolution? That is highly possible! Perhaps the very reason why Ash Ketchum seems to lose his skills and training in every new region before only briefly recovering them during the Pokemon League Conferences is that he mega-evolves.

Never would I have predicted that Ash Ketchum is capable of evolution.


	4. On Quantifying Species

On Quantifying Species

An annoying, high pitched mechanical voice. A digital screen embedded in a red box. Every Pokemon trainer's best friend. That is the Pokedex.

Somehow, it is always being updated. Just like how new arthropod species are always being identified, new Pokemon are found all over the planet every day. This is a mystery to many people, since Pokemon, unlike insects, are usually relatively large.

This mystery is relatively complicated, because the very definition of species is unclear. There exists a classification system in which each Pokemon is labelled as "the _(insert noun)_ Pokemon", but it is highly imprecise. Not only are Pokemon of the same evolutionary line sometimes classified into the same species, such as when Jigglypuff and Wigglytuff are both "the Balloon Pokemon", Pokemon of different evolutionary families are also placed in the same group. The most extreme example of confusion can be found in "the Dragon Pokemon", which, to date, describes a grand total of eight Pokemon - Horsea, Seadra, Kingdra, Dratini, Dragonair, Dragonite, Salamence, and Goodra.

This discussion compels us the question the nature of the Pokemon species. Specifically, we will have to determine whether (1) Pokemon of the same evolutionary family are different species and (2) Pokemon of different evolutionary families but similar morphology are the same species.

The simplest method to resolve this issue would be to cite an accredited species definition and use it as a framework for discussion. However, if one searches for "species definition" one quickly becomes overwhelmed with over 20 different concepts, based on diverse classification schemes like morphology, reproduction, phylogeny, and ecological niche. Furthermore, even if we were to assume that only one of these definitions is correct, we would still not find a definition that applies nicely to Pokemon.

Suppose that we select the most widely applied species concept as a starting point for analysis. The biological species concept states that individuals of the same species are those that can interbreed and produce fertile offspring. This is already problematic, of course, because it suggests that all Pokemon belonging to the same egg group are the same species, and that Ditto belongs to every species.

The morphological species concept states that all members of the same species look similar. This could potentially be a more powerful definition, since it tends to group Pokemon in the same evolutionary family together. For instance, Ponyta and Rapidash are clearly the same species. However, we come to the issue of such Pokemon as Venomoth and Butterfree, and the same problem with the biological species concept is once again present. Based on the morphology of eye shape, it is obvious that Venomoth should be grouped with Caterpie, and that Butterfree should be grouped with Venonat.

We could continue testing this argument with various species definitions, but it would be to no avail. Just as how Ash Ketchum is destined to never win a Pokemon League and how Team Rocket will never catch Pikachu, no species definition is sufficiently precise to be used for classifying Pokemon.

This leads to a very elegant explanation for why new species of Pokemon are always being discovered around the world - it is simply because we cannot properly define what constitutes a separate species. Suppose Professor Oak decides that Heatran and Volcanion are really just cousins, then he will not consider Volcanion separate from Heatran. When Gary comes along and analyzes the movesets of these two Pokemon, he may discover some statistically significant differences. This, coupled with a small sample size, may lead Gary Oak to conclude that he has, in fact, discovered a new species.

Of course, this explanation is too simplistic to explain the discovery of all new species. Pokemon like Trubbish and Vanillite simply have no counterparts to which they are morphologically similar. In these cases, there is an even less complicated explanation: these Pokemon are simply too skilled at hiding from humans.

Most of these strangely shaped Pokemon are located on an island known as Unova, on which Poke-humans had not set foot until recently. On such an island, all Pokemon are automatically considered new species because they are geographically isolated. Of course, members of the scientific community often question this reasoning. Are Alomomola and Luvdisc actually different?

The nature of human constructs is that they cannot ever encompass the full breath of natural variation. This is the reason why many criminal organizations such as Team Plasma prefer that ordinary citizens stay away from Pokemon. This reasoning is excellent with the exception of one flaw.

Even if we know that we can never understand something, that does not mean we cannot attempt to understand it. For even a small theory, only representative of part of the truth, can have an influential impact.

Never would I have predicted that the Pokedex is so controversial.


	5. On Berries and Vitamins

On Berries and Vitamins

In loamy soil patches the berries grow, in cities, towns, islands, mountains, and even the occasional abandoned graveyard. From the burn healing Rawst berry to the speed EV reducing Tamato berry, these marvelous fruits have many diverse properties. They come in over 60 varieties and all manner of combinations of five basic flavors.

Several years ago, improvements to berry farming technology led to the discovery of mutations. When two berry trees are grown side-by-side, preferably with the aid of mutagenic surprise mulch, unexpected fruits often show up on the trees. These berries can be quite rare and difficult to find in the wild, but nonetheless, scientists are able to identify them with little difficulty.

This is not overly surprising, though, given the long history of berry cultivation in this strange universe of ours. Pokeblocks, berry juices, and even full restores take advantage of the amazing properties of berries. In fact, much of the economy revolves around berries, with the sale of vitamins being one of the biggest generators of GDP - which, by the way, stands for Gross Domestic Product and not guanosine diphosphate. There is actually a really random story about how to quickly generate tons of the former kind GDP using two millionaires who bet on each other's ability to consume copious amounts of feces, but that is a story for another day. Suffice it to say that vitamins are some of the most profitable products to be sold in the Pokémon universe.

Contrary to popular belief, vitamins are not actually the elements that they claim to be. Iron, calcium, zinc, carbos, and protein are just elusive code-names invented to lure in consumers. The real composition of vitamins are difficult to deduce and this is not simply due to the fact that vitamin bottles lack ingredient labels. The vitamin industry is meant to remain a secret, if only for the purposes of profit generation for large corporations.

There is almost no doubt that the secret to producing vitamins lies in those commonplace fruits known as berries. This was almost certainly proven when the first thorough dissection of a Pokeblock was conducted. However, no matter how hard our best Berry Masters tried, no fruit was ever found to increase the stats of a Pokémon, at least, not permanently.

A recent investigation into a discontinued brand of Pokémon EV products provided the all the necessary information to finally conclude that vitamins are produced from the body parts of domestically raised Pokémon who were often fed with very specifically designed berry extracts. This revelation shattered the beliefs of many Pokémon rights activists and led to multiple protests in favor of returning to "traditional EV-training methods".

But no matter how hard people protest, the truth remains the same. From the very start of their creation, Pokémon are meant to survive off of other Pokémon.

Think back to the original Pokemon guides that described predator-prey relationships between pidgeot and magikarp. The official Pokedex entry for scatterbug mentions their status as a food source for birds, and no one denies that durant are preyed upon by heatmor. Just because most Pokémon today are perfectly content with consuming Pokémon food does not mean that they cannot benefit from the occasional slowpoke tail or roasted farfetch'd.

Yes, despite the fact that farming technology has advanced so far that even most wild Pokémon gain sufficient nutrients form just eating berries, there is still no way to abolish carnivorous diets. Many Pokémon digestive systems are simply not built to tolerate vegetarian diets, and it would be simply unreasonable to force them to do so for the illusion of a peaceful world.

So it is best to accept that fact that Pokémon are just like all other living organisms in different universes. They achieve greatness by sacrificing others, grow ill and die just like the rest of us. And we would be too idealistic to believe otherwise.

Several Pokémon NPCs were accused of illegally spreading vitamins throughout different routes between cities. Vitamin companies claimed that this was damaging their industry, as it encouraged trainers to search in patches of tall grass rather than visit department stores for these dietary supplements. But really, what is the difference?

By exploring deserted passageways, trainers gain more battle experience more quickly. They gain more money from winning Pokémon battles, which both directly and indirectly generates more GDP. In fact, with more money, trainers have more spending power and thus are more likely to purchase vitamins, among other things.

Because of all this, I am often surprised at why vitamin companies do not form alliances with evil organizations. A group like Team Rocket can help them generate so much more revenue, simply due to the fact that they steal and injure so many Pokémon. But maybe such agreements do already exist in secret. To most of us, the world is so full of mysteries that may never be solved.

Never would I have predicted that berries are such a deceptive form of nutrition.


	6. On Electric Rodents

On Electric Rodents

Over twenty years have passed since the release of the first Pokémon games. Nineteen years since the first anime episode. Eighteen years since the first movie. Aside from the ever-increasing number of newly discovered moves and abilities, there has been another trend: the discovery of new electric rodent-like Pokémon taking place about once every three years.

The electric type is one of the least abundant types, encompassing less than six percent of the total number of Pokémon. Of course, this number is subject to change within the next several weeks, as the number of Pokémon species in the Alola region gets finalized.

Speaking of the Alola region, the discovery of regional forms of Kanto-native species has resulted in a fair amount of controversy. There are many new arguments surrounding the species classification, which, as has been discussed previously, is a rather flawed system to begin with. Should an Alolan exeggutor be considered the same as a regular exeggutor? When scientists are faced with an impossible height difference of over 400 percent, no simple explanation is forthcoming.

The Alola region brings even more surprises, the least significant of which is the identification of a new electric type Pokémon that can only be described as a mutant cross between a shaymin and an overweight emolga. This 'togedemaru' is likely to be the new regional "electric rodent", taking on the role of successor to plusle and minun in Hoenn, pachirisu in Sinnoh, emolga in Unova and dedenne in Kalos. The only point of contention is that hedgehogs are not technically rodents, but since Pokémon are often too genetically mutated from their metazoan ancestors, this minor detail is hardly worth the argument.

The discovery of togedemaru in Alola was extremely rapid. It is almost as though scientists knew what to look for before they started the search, which again, is hardly surprising. Clearly, there is a pattern of at least one usually non-evolving electric type Pokémon to be found in each region that has pikachu's trademark cheek sacks.

But how was this unnatural pattern established? For a type as rare as the electric type, there has to be at least one valid explanation for the recurring pattern of cute electric types that fit the common rodent-like body plan. After all, we are not discussing excessively common normal and water types that are often found to bear resemblances across distant regions, although there are some rather interesting hypotheses about the relationship between alomomola and luvdisc (or bouffalant and tauros).

Recently, two new sources of evidence came about that have served to shed light on the whole electric-rodent-discovery phenomenon: (1) the advent of Pokémon GO and (2) the identification of mimikyu. We will examine these points in order.

To anyone living in the Pokémon universe, Pokémon GO is not a very useful game. After all, why catch imaginary Pokémon when you can catch real ones? However, the game was nonetheless popular for a brief period of time especially among young children and older adults. For the former, it is because they have yet to become old enough to catch real Pokémon. For the latter, their rationale for playing is that they no longer have the time and energy to catch real Pokémon, and thus must make do with imaginary ones.

There is also a third group of people who became obsessed with Pokémon GO, and for a very different reason compared to the first two. They wanted to uncover the mystery of the missing ditto.

In the artificial reality game, ditto is one of the few Pokémon that cannot be caught anywhere, and people quickly began to theorize about where it could be. Renaming Pokémon as 'Ditto' and catching Pokémon of similar size were just some of the ways that people approached the problem. That was until someone discovered a seemingly unrelated phenomenon - the fact that only Pikachu can say its name in Pokémon GO.

This marked a major turning point in the ditto hunt. People immediately understood that their initial assumptions were incorrect. It is not true that ditto does not exist in Pokémon GO. Rather, ditto exists everywhere in Pokémon GO, because every Pokémon that cannot say its own name is really a ditto. Hence, the new question became what is so special about pikachu?

At the same time that Pokémon Goers were struggling with this 'crisis of identity', a different group of trainers found an elusive new Pokémon species in the Alola region. Although not in any way related to pikachu, this Pokémon chooses to disguise itself as pikachu using a yellow sac painted with poorly drawn black and red marks. Extensive investigations revealed that the Pokémon took up this disguise in an attempt to make friends with humans.

Coinciding with this discovery is the finding that most wild togedemaru share a similar genetic abnormality that severely impairs their sense of smell. This prototypical marker of inbreeding provides the evidence that togedemaru is not, as people originally assumed, a wild Pokémon. In fact, none of the other electric rodents are.

But why would someone selectively breed for cute cuddly electric rodents? For the same reason as mimikyu's disguise, of course. Pikachu is one of the most popular Pokémon, so it makes perfect sense to make regional variants of the little rodent if only to boost the tourism industry. So thus came the long process of training dittos to transform into pikachus and breeding them with the local Pokémon to produce pachirisu, dedenne, and all the other electric types with cheek sacs.

As we all know, ditto's transformation is usually far from perfect. The most notable issue is that it can only turn into readily visible Pokémon. During breeding, ditto can only transform into its partner Pokémon, which explains why it is always compatible. Electric rodent breeders did not want this, however, so they trained their dittos to permanently adopt traits of pikachu.

Thus, over time, different electric rodent species were produced in the different regions, each one cuter than the last. At the same time, different pikachu-replicas of ditto were created, each more pikachu-like than the last. And this is the reason why most modern day dittos can say pikachu's name as easily as they can say their own.

And thus it appears that we have proven that all Pokémon in Pokémon GO are actually ditto, including pikachu.

Never would I have predicted that Pokémon GO consists of nothing but ditto.


	7. On Pokemon Professors

On Pokémon Professors

"Welcome to the world of Pokemon! We have been neighbors for over a decade, and you used to be childhood friends with my grandson. Despite the fact that I see you every day, I have virtually no personal information about you except for your age. So tell me, are you a boy or a girl?"

Pokémon trainers from Kanto are very familiar with the infamous researcher by the name of Samuel Oak. Every year, he gifts starter Pokémon to young trainers who have reached their tenth birthday. He has an even more infamous grandson who is the very embodiment of the ideal nasty rival, always exactly one step ahead of you in everything you do. He is also well known for his lifetime dedication to research, peculiar taste in poetry, and perfect memory for names.

Well, the last point is subject to debate. Readers are probably thinking, "This professor has the worst memory for names! He doesn't even remember his own grandson's name when I received my first Pokémon." This is a valid point. However, this is precisely the reason why the professor probably has an extraordinarily sharp memory for names despite his advanced age. Why? Because he only ever learns your name once and never forgets it. How many other people are capable of this impressive feat?

At this point, it's still arguable that, since he works in a tiny town with only two houses, Professor Oak doesn't have to remember many names on a daily basis. Thus, he just so happened to find your name so distinctive that it stuck with him for the rest of his life. Surely this makes sense, right? Aside from the fact that he doesn't remember your name when you meet at the start of your journey despite the fact that his grandson probably mentioned it to him a hundred times before, it makes /perfect/ sense.

So what's really going on?

Instead of jumping straight to hypotheses, let's start with a few speculations about some things, that, up to this point, have been assumed to be true. For instance, how likely is it that your rival is actually your childhood friend? Or for that matter, how likely is it that he's even Oak's grandson?

I remember when I first started my Pokemon journey some uncountable number of years ago, back when 'Marill' was still 'Pikablu' and exeggutors were not ten stories tall. I remember waking up one day with a hazy memory, and being told that I was now of age to go on a journey to become a Pokemon trainer. When I asked about my whereabouts, I was informed that I was in "Pallet Town", where I had been living for most of my life, but when I walked outside, none of the buildings seemed familiar. At the time, I didn't really question this strange situation, but ever since beating the regional champion (who also happened to be my rival, Bob), I've wondered about things.

What are the chances that I, an ordinary citizen whose only exceptional quality is not having a father, was lucky enough to become one of two chosen trainers assigned with the glorious task of travelling the Kanto region completely free of charge while completing the mysterious Pokedex? Or, a better question would be, why do I have to complete the Pokedex?

The Pokedex is truly an enigma. It's a self-operating device that stores data on every single Pokemon species on the planet, but somehow this information is only accessible once a Pokemon has been encountered and caught. Note that the Pokemon has to be both encountered and caught. So there's something about the machine that prevents it from revealing the data until the Pokemon is in a ball.

Somehow, Oak's success is dependent on the fact that you or your rival complete your Pokedex, because it will give him more information to use in his research. However, a lot of this data is already in the Pokedex in the first place and is simply waiting to be unlocked. As an experienced researcher with many assistants and even more aspiring students who would die for a chance to work with him, it seems unlikely that he's unable to simply find someone to hack the system and retrieve the data himself.

The most logical explanation is that the professor's success doesn't depend on you completing the Pokedex. The Pokedex is a ploy used to hide an ulterior motive that probably depends on you actually catching and training rare Pokemon. Perhaps the professor didn't choose you because you've been next door neighbors for a decade. Perhaps he only made you a into neighbor after discovering your burning passion for catching and training rare Pokemon with high stats and good IVs. Perhaps he assigned a trained confederate to be your rival so you wouldn't be misguided from your path to greatness, and only called him his grandson for deceptive purposes. That would explain why he doesn't remember his own grandson's name.

What's even more unsettling than this aforementioned scheme is that this scheme is likely in place in every single Pokemon region. Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Kalos,and even Unova probably have the same system. In some regions, the professors have been better at hiding their plans than others. Take Alola for example. The muscle maniac of a professor put a real, living rotom in your Pokedex! What better strategy to stalk your every move. But isn't rotom just a tour guide to remind you of where to go next on your journey so you could beat the next island challenge? Well, the whole island challenge is probably a ploy too, since the region didn't even have a Pokemon league before you showed up.

Up to this point, I have been describing my own experiences. However, I have long dropped the first person pronoun, instead referring to a hypothetical reader called "you". My reason for doing this is, hopefully, obvious. From the first sentence, readers probably found that they had similar experiences to the narrator. In fact, I'm willing to bet that, aside from the fact that their rival was not "Bob" all the other details, down to the town with only two houses, matched the narrator's experience. This provides the final piece of evidence in support of the present argument. How in the world can a professor have produced enough grandsons to ensure that every one of us got a rival?

Never would I have predicted that professors are so cunningly good with remembering names.


End file.
